Me and my Daddy <3
This is a topic I have put off writing about for many reasons...but I think that it is something that I need to address in order for my mind (and heart) to maybe, just maybe work it's way through all the pain.
There are so many places that I could start...so I will just pick a place close to the beginning.
My senior year of high school was the 2002/2003 school year. I lived with my dad, his girlfriend (more recently fiance) and my younger brother. I was so incredibly close to my dad, he was my best friend. Always a fun person to be around, yet I always knew what was expected of me. My friends always liked to come over and he would hang out with all of us (don't get the wrong image here...not a creeper...he treated my friends just like he did my brother and I).
I remember like it was yesterday...I was getting ready to go to school one day...curling my hair...because that is what we did then...and he came in and told me his girlfriend was going to have a baby. I didn't know what to think, but I could tell he was excited and nervous. If anyone was meant to be a dad it was him...but now he had to start over at 37. My brother and I were in high school.
Once I found out the baby was a girl I was beyond ecstatic! Growing up I had asked my mom many, many times to try to have another baby so that I could maybe have a sister. I wanted one SO bad! So now was my chance...I envisioned being best friends with this little girl. Pedicures, park trips, the zoo, shopping, sleepovers when she gets older, and teaching her everything that I know and I wish someone would have told me.
I loved her family too (my dad's fiances). They honestly treated me like they had known me all of my life...and I honestly felt like I was one of their grandchildren. I would actually call them my grandparents to my friends and I always looked forward to visiting them.
My sister was born and all was well. I personally thought she was a bit spoiled by her grandparents but my dad kept her level. I did get to teach her some things...like my love of drawing (now her passion) and how to write her name when she was only three years old! I also got to paint her little piggies and take her to the zoo.
But eventually I moved out...but it was ok because I still visited every week. I missed her everyday I was gone.
And then when she was 4 and I was 22, my beloved father passed away....quite suddenly. I didn't know what to say or do. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think. My world came crashing down. I felt...numb.
I know I am not the only person who has lost a parent, suddenly or even young. But it still hurt so much. My everyday life was completely altered...no longer could I call my dad and say hi. No longer would he call me for no reason...or to tell me about his day. No longer will he invite me over for my favorite homemade dinners (lasagna, chili, and steak on the grill). I couldn't call and ask him for advice anymore. He wouldn't be around to congratulate me when I finished college...or when I get married...he won't be there to walk me down the aisle or dance. He will never meet my future kids. All these things and more kept swirling in my head over and over.
But things actually got worse...
This is not the place to go over details...but I learned VERY quickly that I am NOT actually welcomed in the family like I had thought I was. Not at all. I don't think I have ever had my feelings hurt more in my life...and it happened over and over and over for about a year. I had to deal with that during the FIRST YEAR of trying to cope with the death of my father.
That last line was way tougher to type than I expected.
Anyways... I would try my very best to take my sister for a day once a month (except during the summers because she would stay at her grandparents all summer) but a year ago she moved there.
And over the last year I feel like I have lost her almost completely. Many times I just want to give up. When I do see her she always has stories of how "daddy likes" whatever and it drives me crazy because it's almost always NOT true! How hard would it be to call me if they want to know something about my dad? They knew him for approximately five years. I have known him my entire life...all 23 years he was in it. Don't make up stories and fill her head with lies. It hurts me...because it is so disrespectful to his memory. I tell her to call me whenever she wants to know anything about him. I tell her to call whenever to just talk. I tell her she can come over whenever she wants and even stay the night.
Since she has moved...she has not called me. She only came over on Christmas (which was really nice), and when I call her she has nothing to say...she just sits on the phone silent...unless I ask her a question...and then I get a one word response. I don't know. Maybe it's her age...maybe it's her surroundings...maybe it's because I am not able to see her once a month like I used to. No matter what it is...I feel like I am also losing her...
and I don't want to deal with that too...
There are so many places that I could start...so I will just pick a place close to the beginning.
My senior year of high school was the 2002/2003 school year. I lived with my dad, his girlfriend (more recently fiance) and my younger brother. I was so incredibly close to my dad, he was my best friend. Always a fun person to be around, yet I always knew what was expected of me. My friends always liked to come over and he would hang out with all of us (don't get the wrong image here...not a creeper...he treated my friends just like he did my brother and I).
I remember like it was yesterday...I was getting ready to go to school one day...curling my hair...because that is what we did then...and he came in and told me his girlfriend was going to have a baby. I didn't know what to think, but I could tell he was excited and nervous. If anyone was meant to be a dad it was him...but now he had to start over at 37. My brother and I were in high school.
Once I found out the baby was a girl I was beyond ecstatic! Growing up I had asked my mom many, many times to try to have another baby so that I could maybe have a sister. I wanted one SO bad! So now was my chance...I envisioned being best friends with this little girl. Pedicures, park trips, the zoo, shopping, sleepovers when she gets older, and teaching her everything that I know and I wish someone would have told me.
I loved her family too (my dad's fiances). They honestly treated me like they had known me all of my life...and I honestly felt like I was one of their grandchildren. I would actually call them my grandparents to my friends and I always looked forward to visiting them.
My sister was born and all was well. I personally thought she was a bit spoiled by her grandparents but my dad kept her level. I did get to teach her some things...like my love of drawing (now her passion) and how to write her name when she was only three years old! I also got to paint her little piggies and take her to the zoo.
But eventually I moved out...but it was ok because I still visited every week. I missed her everyday I was gone.
And then when she was 4 and I was 22, my beloved father passed away....quite suddenly. I didn't know what to say or do. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think. My world came crashing down. I felt...numb.
I know I am not the only person who has lost a parent, suddenly or even young. But it still hurt so much. My everyday life was completely altered...no longer could I call my dad and say hi. No longer would he call me for no reason...or to tell me about his day. No longer will he invite me over for my favorite homemade dinners (lasagna, chili, and steak on the grill). I couldn't call and ask him for advice anymore. He wouldn't be around to congratulate me when I finished college...or when I get married...he won't be there to walk me down the aisle or dance. He will never meet my future kids. All these things and more kept swirling in my head over and over.
But things actually got worse...
This is not the place to go over details...but I learned VERY quickly that I am NOT actually welcomed in the family like I had thought I was. Not at all. I don't think I have ever had my feelings hurt more in my life...and it happened over and over and over for about a year. I had to deal with that during the FIRST YEAR of trying to cope with the death of my father.
That last line was way tougher to type than I expected.
Anyways... I would try my very best to take my sister for a day once a month (except during the summers because she would stay at her grandparents all summer) but a year ago she moved there.
And over the last year I feel like I have lost her almost completely. Many times I just want to give up. When I do see her she always has stories of how "daddy likes" whatever and it drives me crazy because it's almost always NOT true! How hard would it be to call me if they want to know something about my dad? They knew him for approximately five years. I have known him my entire life...all 23 years he was in it. Don't make up stories and fill her head with lies. It hurts me...because it is so disrespectful to his memory. I tell her to call me whenever she wants to know anything about him. I tell her to call whenever to just talk. I tell her she can come over whenever she wants and even stay the night.
Since she has moved...she has not called me. She only came over on Christmas (which was really nice), and when I call her she has nothing to say...she just sits on the phone silent...unless I ask her a question...and then I get a one word response. I don't know. Maybe it's her age...maybe it's her surroundings...maybe it's because I am not able to see her once a month like I used to. No matter what it is...I feel like I am also losing her...
and I don't want to deal with that too...
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